Dear Jenna,

You may not have realized this, or maybe you did, but when I first met you I didn't know what to make of you with your broad smile and incredibly penetrating eyes. In all honesty, I was intimidated by you. However, the more we saw each other and the more our children played together, quickly I realized you were one of the kindest people I had ever met. Very early on I learned that you were caring, sympathetic, empathetic, considerate and an excellent listener. Above all I could feel from my personal interactions with you and I could see by those you were closest with that you were a valuable friend. "Intimacy", as they so perfectly put it at the memorial service this evening, is what you offered others. A sense of intimacy that was sincere and comforting.


I will never forget that when we spoke you always locked eyes with me as you lay your hand on my forearm, squeezing it softly while we talked, as if to say "we are connected, you and I". You never forgot my name or the names of my children even though you and I weren't close friends. I admired that in you, your fantastic memory and real interest in what was going on in my life. Once you massaged my feet when I was pregnant with Jasper, do you remember that? I was swollen and huge, my feet hurt terribly. I was embarrased because my feet were dirty, but you didn't care. It was important to you to help me, and because you were so kind and so gently forceful I accepted it. How could anyone say no to you? It made my day Jenna, did I thank you properly? I hope I did.

Your joie de vivre trespassed all boundaries and when you entered a room people felt it. I loved the way you loved my daughter's energetic spirit. It was so good to see someone appreciate my daughter for who she. Especially when I often struggled with the embarrassment that so many of us experience when our children are being "challenging" in public. By you being excited about my daughter's bounty of energy and her fabulous fierceness you gave me pause to react to her in times when I felt so challenged by her.

You have taught me, in your way of just being you, to appreciate children and the freedom in their spirits. Thank you Jenna, you have helped me to see that the spirit in all of us is not only worth allowing its freedom, but also worth working every day to grow and nourish.

You have helped me to see things differently. Positively.

Let me tell you, your memorial service was awe inspiring. Stories were told of you that caused both weeping and a rolling laughter of unexpected joy through the audience that filled the room. Unifying us all in the memory of you. I've never laughed at a memorial service before. It truly was a celebration of your life and who you were. People hung on to each other while remembering you. Your son was carried in on his father's shoulders, hugging Florian's head and neck, leaning into him as if to become one with him.

For the service Lucas sat in his father's arms, they caressed each other's faces. At the end of the service we all lit candles and listened to music. Lucas danced with his cousins to the song "turn your lights down low". He danced and smiled and it was lovely to see. It was magical even.

I'll tell you Jenna, It really looks like he'll be ok. Children heal so well. He has such a strong community of love to hold him up and help him grow to be the strong and confident man you always knew he would be. Florian will be ok too I think, Lucas will make sure of that. I saw it in the way he put his hand on his father's cheek, like you might have, letting him know that they are still connected and that you are still connected to them both. He will keep his father strong by embodying your spirit. They will be held together not only by each other, but by you. Not by the grief of losing you but by the joy of having known you.

We will all live our lives a little better having known you. In your death you have reminded those of us that have forgotten that life is worth living. Not just living, but living with love, understanding, connection and forgiveness. You remind us that love is not something to take for granted or to be witheld from someone or spread out thinly to those in our specific circles. Love is worth giving freely and in abundance. You understood this better than anyone.

To live like you is to be like you and to be like you is to live like you.

In my life from this day forth I hope I can learn to live more like you did Jenna. To be as Jenna-esque as possible. To look at the glass half full and to breathe in the fresh air as deeply as you did. To never take anything for granted and be forever grateful for what I have.

I thank you Jenna, for all that you have given to me. In life you offered me friendship and smiles. In death you offer me the chance to learn from how you lived. You offer me renewal.

I will always miss not having known you better. I wish I had taken you up on getting our kids together.

You are truly loved Jenna and will be greatly missed having been taken from this Earth far too soon.


Love C.

Ghostbike. A Preventable Death.

It was pouring outside when I began to write this piece. Seems fitting.


When I first read about the incident involving an unnamed female cyclist killed in a traffic accident I was overwhelmed immediately with grief. My intense grief came from my assumption that the victim was most likely a mom (the report I read said the woman was in her early 40's and had a bike trailer attached to her bike). I related to this anonymous victim. I wept thinking about how her partner might tell her children of their loss. I thought about my own children, I pictured how devastating this type of loss would be to them. I couldn't help but imagine how horrifying an experience this would be for all who knew her. I became consumed in sadness for the day. This was before I found out it was Jenna.


It was then that I became furious. And then reality struck, it could have been any one of us.


"A preventable death" they keep calling it. The accident that took the life of Jenna Morrison on November 7th 2011 at 11:30am.


She was 38 years old. She was five months pregnant. She was a mother and a loving partner. She was on her way to pick up her son from school when she was clipped by a truck making a tight turn in the same direction as her and she was pulled under the back wheels.


It might seem as if this type of cycling death is unusual or rare, but in fact it is not. It is the exact type of fatality that inspired the Regional Toronto coroners office to initiate an investigation of looking into a safer method of travel for cyclist on our busy roads back in 1996 after two cyclist in July of that year were killed the same way Jenna was. Top of their list to avoid such fatalities was to mandate "side guards" on large trucks. This has yet to happen in the year 2011 even with multiple cyclist deaths of this exact kind being investigated since 1996, and those are just the ones that *were*reported (more than 80% of cycling accidents go unreported). A quote from the Coroner's report reads that in 1999 Transport Canada advised their staff “Such guards are the subject of a European (UN ECE) Regulation, the purpose of which is to minimize the possibility of unprotected road users falling under the sides of vehicles and being caught under the wheels. There is no similar Canadian regulation because the nature of the traffic mix in Canada is different to that in Europe; there being a greater proportion of unprotected road users (pedestrians, cyclists and motor cyclists) in close proximity to trucks and trailers in Europe than there are in this country… Nevertheless, the situation is being monitored and if regulatory action on side guards is necessary, it will be initiated.” Yes, 1999. That was 12 years ago. 3 years after the investigation by the coroner was initiated in 1996. Not to mention that the review of the cycling-related fatalities conducted for the report dates back to 1986. That makes 22 years of blatant disregard from Canada's transport administration that side guards are necessary on large trucks to prevent cyclist fatalities. Let's read that again shall we: Transport Canada did not feel that there were enough cyclists deaths related to cyclists falling beneath large trucks (they had averaged at least 1.6 a year in their study at that point) to elicit "regulatory action on side guards" because we as a country do not have enough cyclists and pedestrians on our roads comparable to Europe. Apparently they still feel this way in 2011 even after Jenna's "accident" took not only her life, but the life of her unborn child. This tragedy and the many others that have come before in the same way is not enough to invoke the same regulations (of making side guards mandatory for large trucks) that have been saving the lives of cyclists and pedestrians in Europe since 1989. And to this point I've only been giving you the stats on cyclists’ deaths involving large trucks. The amount of cyclists’ deaths (in any form) a year in Toronto alone is overwhelming. Two weeks before Jenna's death Dr. Dan Cass, Ontario’s supervising coroner for the central region, reported that between 2006 and 2010 there were over 110 cyclist deaths, over 20 a year. All preventable in his educated opinion by making cycling safer.


In a court file from Nancy Smith Lea's affidavit in 2004 in regards to the case of Hannah Evans suing the City of Toronto (after she was "doored" by a drivers side door in 2002 on Queen Street West) section 14. reads: "The City recognizes that there are two ways to plan specifically for bicycle safety on arterial roads: either marked on-street bicycle lanes or a wide curb lane – the accepted standard for which is a minimum width of 4.0 meters." and section 35. of the affidavit reads: "In the Bike Plan, the City recognizes that “bicycles should be afforded the same consideration as motor vehicles on the City’s street system” and that “every street should be made as safe and comfortable for cyclists as possible.” The City acknowledges that to meet this goal it is necessary to adopt “bicycle friendly street policies that give bicycles the same consideration as vehicles on the City’s street system.” That Bike Plan published by the City of Toronto in June 2001 was consequently adopted by City Council but has yet to take effect. In the "bicycle/motor-vehicle collision study" conducted in 2003 by the Transportation Division it states that the initial request for an investigation by the Coroner in 1996 was because the Coroner's findings were such that he stressed that “there was a disproportionate representation of bicycles in (personal injury) traffic collisions, relative to their numbers on the road, highlighting the need for appropriate programs designed to reduce cycling-related injuries.”


Yet every single article that I've read says that it was a preventable loss. How can this be after so many years of investigations dedicated to determining how to create a safer City for cyclists? Investigations dedicated to cyclists deaths specifically related to the dangers of being clipped and pulled under a large truck. After years and years of proposed bike plans how can we still have a death such as Jenna's in 2011 when we knew better, when we knew exactly how to prevent it? I'll tell you, it's because those same bike plans are quickly shelved and collect dust. Cyclist don't buy gas.

So we read in the articles that it doesn't look like either party was actually at fault, "they were both turning in the same direction at the same time". Nobody seemed to be doing anything illegal or irresponsible.


But the truth of the matter here is that someone is at fault. Someone did do something irresponsible that caused this death. The City of Toronto is at fault. The City of Toronto disregarded the danger of that turn, disregarded the need for more bike lanes in our city and has continuously disregarded the need to implement a regulation making side guards on large trucks mandatory for at least 15 years since the Coroner's report advised a need for it in 1996 to prevent "preventable deaths".


Yes, a preventable death that was not prevented because Toronto is not safe for cyclists and hasn't been for over 20 years (at least). In fact in an open letter to the Chief Coroner of Ontario by the Toronto's Cyclist Union addresses the fact that Toronto has "the highest collision rate per capita for cyclist of any large Canadian city" and this can be verified by looking at the City of Toronto's Traffic Safety Unit (2010) Cyclist Collision Summary leaflet. And yet this City, which is acutely aware that it is poorly designed and organized for bikers and motorists to share the roads safely together still insist on advertising cycling as a form of safe, environmentally friendly and cost effective travel for Torontonians. All in an effort to, I assume, create a facade in order to not fall below the environmental standards of other popular tourists Cities. Toronto not only promotes cycling, but strongly advocates and markets it.


People may argue that the City of Toronto has been working with cyclists, for cyclists. And yes, Toronto does have a few rail trails available for bikers and many roads equipped with painted on bike lanes. But we are nowhere close to where we should be, where we said we would be in 2011. It's hard to believe that anything will change when it has stayed so stagnant for so long. And if you look at the difference between Toronto, Montreal and New York you can easily see how Toronto falls short.

http://www.caroulemontreal.com/pdf/verso28.pdf

http://www.nycbikemaps.com/maps/nyc-bike-map/

http://bikingtoronto.com/maps/bikelanes/


I'm not a fan of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, but as far as his insensitivity to cyclists is concerned - he's just the guy that came and out said it. The City has been ignoring the importance of safer travel for cyclists for over 20 years. And although David Miller did try to make the roads safer for the ever growing cyclists population in Toronto when he was Mayor (even at the cost of being dubbed as someone waging a "war on cars") by creating bike lanes on Jarvis St - we all know how that turned out.


One step forward, five steps back.


Though the investigation into Jenna's death is still pending and nothing has been absolutely determined about the exact details of this accident as of yet it is all too obvious that this absolutely WAS a preventable death (whether the media tells us that or not). A bike lane on Sterling for one might have changed Jenna's fate, giving the truck driver more cause to look for cyclists or perhaps not take the turn as sharply. A slope in the sidewalk on either side of the curve of that corner to allow for safe entrance to the rail trail and/or a safe path off Sterling on to Dundas for bikers would certainly have saved Jenna's life in this circumstance. And of course mandatory side guards on large trucks would have avoided her getting caught underneath it and would very likely have prevented her death.


As redundant as this piece is about how preventable Jenna's death was, it's important to know that this isn't just another biker killed in a vehicle/cyclist incident. We can't let Jenna just turn into another statistic. This type of fatality was under investigation at least 15 years ago. Cyclists’ fatalities in general have been long overlooked as a serious issue with just cause for changing the safety standards of our city in relation to cyclists. The cyclist union, the coroner's office and many council members have proposed not only side guards for large trucks but paved and/or separated bike lanes. And someone, not the City, has painted three large bike stencils in the spot that Jenna died to help motorists recognize that bikes travel that same route, to make that turn safer, to make sure people remember a life was lost unnecessarily and of course to commemorate Jenna.

When will the City finally decide it's been one death to many and start adopting change that can and will save lives?


Jenna should not have died, there is no doubt. The City of Toronto is accountable and we will not soon forget that this happened or how it happened. We will not stop trying to make changes to our City's infrastructure to make those "bike plans" finally a reality by creating "bike facilities" which will make it safer for cyclists and motorists to share the road.

We must not let Jenna have died in vain.


Though I did not know Jenna well, she was a remarkable woman that left her mark on me. Always a great joy to be around. Full of life and love and positive energy, always smiling and encouraging and offering friendship. Well worth knowing and not at all worth losing.

Memorial for Jenna Morrison:

Advocacy for Respect for Cyclists will hold a memorial Ghost Ride to deliver and erect a ghost bike to the site of the accident. The ride to honour Jenna will begin on Monday November 14th at the corner of Bloor and Spadina at 7:30AM and will be traveling slowly and respectfully through city streets accompanying the ghost bike. It will conclude at the scene of the accident, at Dundas and Sterling, at 8AM.


**A trust fund has been set up in Jenna's name with the TD Bank.
For TD customers, the branch number is 0246 and the account number is 637 2358.
For non Td customers, please sent donations to transit number 02462, institution number 004, and account number 02466372358.
For those that prefer Paypal, the Paypal account is In Loving Memory of Jenna, email is in_loving_memory_of_jenna@hotmail.com.

99%

Inspired originally by the tenacity and fortitude of the good people of Libya and Cairo (the original "Occupants" if you will). This is an incredible movement that has reached across the Globe. A movement not easily stifled by the sometimes violent actions of a Police State, the inattention of the government and the subsequent fabrications of the media.

On the evening of October 15th 2011 I went to St. James park for the "Occupy Toronto" protest to take part in something bigger than myself. I went to take part in this global wide movement and stand up with the 99%.

But as I got off at King subway station on that fateful eve, even I questioned the validity of Toronto's part in all this. Earlier that day I had listened to a protester speak on the news about being at Occupy Bay Street (Occupy Toronto) to fight for "animal rights" and this had, in all honestly, put me off. I wondered for the first time since following the Occupy movement if this was just a bunch of people getting together to make a lot of noise and yell at the government about their different issues instead of a group united, fighting for one strong and very basic cause, injustice.

Yes, most of us have been watching as many of the media warp this story into a story outlining the Occupy Movement as a disorganized group of people consumed in a state of "an overwhelming sense of entitlement" with no real direction or concrete and specific cause to fight for. It's been almost too easy to believe this to be true when we hear story after story of protestors fighting for such vastly different issues. That night, as I walked towards the park, I struggled to see how Toronto could pull it together enough to succeed in being taken seriously in this highly criticized worldwide movement. I realized very quickly though that the movement was in fact much stronger and unified than I could have imagined. Even with smoke screens being put up by the media, once I entered the gathered group at St. James Park I was immediately pulled into something bigger than I could have imagined, something bigger than myself.

Together the occupants of St James Park stood united against the unjust treatment of the middle and lower class. Together they stood as a voice calling out the corporations, banks, and the government who have taken advantage of people too afraid to rock the boat. People not willing to rock the boat (till now) because their very survival and the livelihood of their families depend on them shutting up and taking it. Too long have these large corporations used our vulnerability against us. Gaining their leverage on our dependence of them.

Yes, it’s true; protestors aren’t all carrying the same sign. But the bottom line is that this movement, however many different ways there is to say it or fight for it, is an attempt to bridge the gap between the rich and the poor and to bring an equilibrium to our society. A movement across the Globe engaged in stopping this masked capitalism and instead beginning a new era of actual democracy.



Like that scene from "A Bugs Life", the ants have finally realized that in numbers there is strength.


Time to stand together and stop feeding the Grasshoppers.

Alter Ego Boy

From the other room I can hear the radio turn on. A young Michael Jackson blasts ABC. "Having a party, Cyclops?" I call out. "Yeah! Wit Wolvahweene and Jean Gway" He yells back. The X-Men never had it so good. To be part of Jasper's imagination, his stories, is to be part of a World of make believe so amazing that even characters like the X-Men have never known adventures such as these. The Superheroes he creates or becomes don't spend all their time fighting battles or conquering Evil. They also have yoga classes, dance parties and they hug - a lot.

I knew nothing about imagination till I had my son.

The funny thing is that in actuality he is quite shy and introverted. Or at least, he was, once upon a time. As a baby he never smiled at strangers, and in fact he barely smiled at us unless in the privacy of our own home. Grandmothers made excuses for him saying "he must be tired" when after much effort and coaxing he sat there, like a stone, just staring at them. No smile. He was very quickly nicknamed "Mr. Serious". As a toddler he spent time in the corner away from the excitement and bustle of the other kids when we were at community centers or birthday parties. It wasn't really until he discovered Superheroes, namely Spiderman, that he suddenly started to become quite the animated child. He had always been amusing and comical with his telling eyes and fantastic facial expressions. But I would have to say that it all started with a theme song. Specifically it was the theme song to Spiderman that his father introduced to him at a very young age and sang to him word for word. Jasper, a very musical child, (even from birth where music could calm the newborn beast in a snap) became obsessed with the theme song and it’s catchy tune and fun lyrics. It was all it took. After that we could always tell who was emerging from his room, as the theme music would come forth, echoing in the hall, as he came down the steps to greet us.

All at once we were all thrust into Jasper's magnificent World of make-believe. When he was "Shark Boy" one of his sister's invariably became "Lava Girl", even if they hadn't agreed to it. When he was Batman, the theme music boomed through the house out of his tiny body and his father was now his trusty sidekick "Robin" and I was always "Poison Ivy". As we walked by the park the other day he called out to me "you look bootiful today!" I blushed. "Thanks!" I said. "Yur welcome Mary Jane", oh...hello Spiderman.

Imagination plays a big part, but there has been a definite switch from boy who wears whatever you dress him in to boy who chooses his clothing very carefully. So every day these days Jasper insist on wearing a Superhero shirt. And if none are available then he searches out his crocodile shirt and becomes "Crocodile Boy", or his chimpanzee shirt to become a chimpanzee for the day. Of course everyone knows that the power of imagination means that clothes don't limit who you are or what you can do. However a good shirt sure can help make you feel more like the character you have in mind. At the park this summer (while wearing his Hulk shirt) he spent 20 minutes taking huge leaps over small ditches made in the sand pit while growling. He was the Hulk. Other children tried to speak with him and get him to join their game. They asked his name, he responded loudly "HULK!” They asked his real name, again "HULK!” He couldn't be bothered to stop for long, Hulk had some smashing and jumping to do. He was off. The children looked on amused, but not quite understanding.

Confusion and giggles surrounding Jasper's games and characters are not a new occurrence since the birth of his extroverted self. Luckily he doesn't seem to mind and so on we go playing and having a grand old time. Of course there is one character that does confuse even the adults in a group. Particularly because he will introduce himself to a group of people as a character named "Curtis". He has actually convinced people his name is Curtis, I’m serious – like they think that I named him Curtis. In all fairness though this doesn't happen all that often because Curtis is more of a private character who appears sporadically. Not everyone gets to meet Curtis.

It’s too bad about that because Curtis is the best. Curtis is hand’s down my fave. And that’s saying a lot because when he takes on a character, any character, he is fabulous every time. Ah but good old Curtis, the alter ego that stands out because of how totally un-Super he is. An imaginary friend that Jasper wears as a skin.

Curtis and Jasper know each other, but like Polka Dot Door's character "Polkaroo" are never in the same room at the same time (not to go unnoticed that the show was about imagination). He walks with a sort of strut and his body leans to the left when he's standing still as if "cool guys" don't stand up straight. He makes broad movements with his hands when he speaks and has a low quick laugh that happens often in conversation, as if he doesn't quite believe what he is hearing but doesn't know what else to do or say. Curtis is kind of an awkward guy. But where Jasper refuses to help clean up his toys or might be sensitive to his sister's teasing, Curtis shrugs off any hurt feelings and is always very helpful. Curtis isn't easily hurt. An important guy, he gives Jasper the freedom to flip out when he's feeling out of sorts and the strength to be extroverted in public even when he's feeling timid. He helps Jasper get through moments of being bored or feeling picked on. Without Curtis, Jasper's placement in our family as a middle child might have worse repercussions for his sense of worth or personal courage.

The definition of "Alter Ego" is second self. Directly translated from it's Latin derivative Alter Ego means "The other I". Curtis faithfully follows this definition to a tee. In every way except name he is Jasper. No super powers or capes. Curtis is just a hip little guy with a low manly voice who is gentle and friendly to everybody and lets anybody join his game. He is always at the ready to give somebody a hand, a hug, or tell them he loves them. He never loses his cool and is the ultimate optimist. A regular hero in a way.

Probably my favorite part of Curtis is that he is not so very different from Jasper, or that Jasper is not so very different from him. Jasper and Curtis's personalities overlap so much that really Curtis is Jasper incarnate and so too is the opposite true. A pretend self that isn't so pretend after all. And thank goodness for that because it's really Jasper I'm into hanging with anyways.

No my kid is not just a little a**hole.

My child is one of the many children in North America to be diagnosed with ADHD (about 3% to 5% of children in the United States are diagnosed with ADHD).

It goes without saying that my daughter is all sorts of wonderful, but raising a child with ADHD is challenging to say the least. Perhaps made harder still by the ever present controversy out there regarding whether ADHD is in fact a "real" medical condition or not. Unfortunately ADHD easily invites doubt as it has so many different facets and sub-types. You can be either ADD (attention deficit disorder) or HD (hyperactive/impulsive disorder) or ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder). Where once we thought of ADD/ADHD being defined as a disorder having to do mostly with attention deficit, we are now told in actual fact that it is "hyperfocus" that better defines the "attention deficit" subtype to the disorder. With ADD/ADHD's seemingly constant evolvement and with all these variables at play, not to mention the stigmas attached to it, it tends to reason why so many might question its validity. However, ADHD is recognized as a mental health disorder. It has been acknowledged by major health organizations, including the National Institutes of Health, the W.H.O. and every other major professional medical, psychiatric and psychological association or organization out there. And there are studies showing not only a genetic link to the parents but also reports of a recent scientific study showing it may in fact be (in some cases) stemming from, but not limited to, large and rare variants in the DNA of children affected with ADHD, also known as genenomes called CNV's.

Yet with all this information available to us, it's legitimacy is still doubted. Add to the equation that my child is a girl with ADHD, and I am faced with the even bigger challenge of convincing others around me that she has this condition, even with a diagnosis from a psychiatrist in hand.

Unfortunately ADHD is often overlooked in girls and very often misdiagnosed as a learning disability and/or immaturity issue. Statistics showing that as many as 50% to 75% of girls will not be diagnosed till the age of 12, if at all (boys are diagnosed usually by their 7th birthdays if not beforehand). Although we now know that ADHD is not a gender specific disorder, it is still easy to find misinformation that says "statistically" boys are three times more likely to have ADHD than girls. Boys are not statistically more likely to have ADHD than girls, it's that ADD/ADHD is more likely to be recognized in them and therefore diagnosed. Girls have a tendency to present the symptoms of this condition differently then boys. They are not necessarily hyperactive or disruptive, two of the most common characteristics of ADHD. Or it may be that the way they are hyperactive and disruptive is not what we typically consider ADHD to look like.

The plain fact is that in this still very much male dominated society, girls are just expected to behave. Girls with ADHD are harder to pin point because mostly they *do* "behave", at least better then what one expects of a child with ADHD to behave like. When my daughter is at school it's hard to tell that she has ADHD because they keep her busy with daily activities. The outdoor physical activity she receives three times a day allows her the opportunity to release much of her hyperactive energy at school and therefore helps to balance her reactivity and quell her disruptiveness. She is still disruptive to a certain degree (certainly more obviously on a rainy day when they haven't allowed her outdoor recess), but when asked to sit down and work, she "behaves", for lack of a better term. When they do reading circle or she is granted time on the computer to play games her focus is fine, more then fine, her focus is great. She gets straight A's in Drama, Arts and P.E. Her attention deficit is not apparent in her getting up from her seat or acting out, she doesn't do this. Instead she is hyper talkative with her neighbors and unable to concentrate on the work in front of her or finish the work at the same speed as her peers. As a result she doesn't complete work sheets and gets below average grades in literacy and mathematics. And because she doesn't present ADHD the way they assume it should be she is not considered to have ADHD. Due to her low grades and inability to articulate her needs and wants properly she is assumed, like many young girls with ADHD, to be developmentally immature and have a learning disability (as a side note, LD's are often found in conjunction with ADD/ADHD). They don't know what the mornings are like before she gets to school, the need for the exact same ritual so we don't falter and trigger a meltdown. They don't know how she falls apart when she gets home because she's exhausted from working SO hard to keep it together all day at school. They have no idea that she has trouble getting along in her peer groups. That the little girls don't really accept her because she is too in your face and active for most of them, and that even though the little boys let her play because she plays the same way as them, they don't form intimate relationships with her because they are 7 years old, and she is: a girl. They don't know that she thinks of herself as dumb.

The bottom line is that as "a girl with ADHD" she falls into a crack where in lieu of others seeing that she has this condition she is all to often under estimated, and yet concurrently over expected to act like other little girls do. Whatever that is.

Personally I do see how there might be a lot of bullshit ADHD cases (which could easily be put into an "over diagnosis" category) if people are assuming their child(ren) have ADHD without a formal diagnosis and are instead reading the easy to find online "ADHD tests" (go ahead and Google it, I dare you) and are self diagnosing their children. And I like to think that it's hard to accept ADHD as a condition in my daughter's case because she is a fantastic, spunky, imaginative, sweet and clever little sprite who is mostly well behaved (and who wants to always be well behaved anyways?).

As parents dealing with a diagnosis that in general society is hard to accept, and even less accepted in her gender, we are working with getting to know the disorder and separate her from it. Making sure that we do not define her as a child with ADHD, which is hard not to do when (shamefully) embarrassed by your child's disobedience, but instead to define our child as an individual who also happens to have ADHD. We aren't in the least concerned for her future, we know she will learn to manage her ADHD and that she will be successful in whatever she chooses. In the meantime we are learning to not be embarrassed by her misbehavior and alternately be conscious and respectful in our requests and even (dare I say it?) demands of her. Every "no you can't do that" must be followed by a "because...". We can't just shuffle her along at our pace, we need to understand she moves at her own rhythm and needs early and repetitive (but gentle) prompting to get going where we want to go. We've learned, or are learning, not to sweat the small stuff and to pick our battles well. Moving through life this way can be virtually exhausting, but it's worth it. She reaps the benifits, as do we. Her ADHD does cause her to be extremely impulsive, hyperactive, reactive and have little to no boundary awareness or control. And we are beginning to grasp that we can't always suppress or guide her hyper activeness or emotionality in the direction we want. We have three other kids; we can't do it all, not all the time. It’s likely that others might sometimes become ‘put off’ by her "obnoxiousness" (hyperactivity), her "rudeness" (unable to respond or appearing to not be listening because she's processing a thought or listening to something else) or her "over sensitivity" (reacting to not being understood or not being able to explain herself clearly). We understand that sometimes we will be put off by it, even though we know she has a disorder that makes it difficult for her to stop acting that way.

Luckily she is mostly well behaved, not only because she's expected to by society, or because we are working really hard to parent her the right way, but because she is in fact just a super cool kid. She might not have close friends at school, but she does have best friends. She might not get straight A's in every subject, but she is one of the smartest people I know. She proves this to me each and every day in the things she says and her insatiable love of learning.


And yeah, sometimes she's just a little asshole. But she's our little asshole and we love her to bits.

What's in a name?

A lot really.

It can help include us or help us stand out. It can trap us or liberate us. It defines us.

In North America it's pretty standard to name your child at birth, if not while the infant still floats happily within the womb. In fact, anything but that seems odd to many, if not most, North Americans.

I have friends that took around 8 days to name each of their children after the births. Can you imagine!? I used to think this was ludicrous. Then I was pregnant with my older son and we decided firmly on his name in pregnancy and changed it just before he was born. Still I considered myself within the 'normal limits' of name changing rights. Yes I told everybody he was 'Max', but surely because he was not yet born changing his name to 'Jasper' wasn't such a big deal. The ease in which my older son's name changed was not the case for my second son. Talk about unconventional, my partner and I have only just settled on a name for our son and he is almost 1 year old.

Apparently the need to rename your child is called "Baby-name remorse". Considerably more common then one suspects. Certainly unusual by standard practice of naming your baby, but in the larger scheme of things it is less unusual then many may think. I came upon a few stories on the internet about baby-name remorse and even a few personal stories by parents who went through with the out of the box renaming of their child. Hell, even some celebrities have been guilty of this seemingly shocking act! In fact in my own circle of friends there is a couple who renamed their 10 month old adopted child. Though typically this seems to be more acceptable in society then renaming your biological child. Whether adopted or not, there are many reasons why one might decide to change their child's name. These reasons span from just not liking the name that was originally chosen to suddenly realizing that the child does not suite the name originally chosen at all. In between you have varying degrees of reasons, the name you chose is too popular or perhaps you were having trouble bonding with the baby and couldn't commit to any name until you did bond. Whatever the reason, and there are too many to list, the fact remains that name changing isn't a new occurrence; at least 10% of parents asked would change their child's name if they didn't feel such a stigma associated with it.

And stigma there is. So cringing, I will admit that I have been the one struggling and unsettled with my baby son's name for the last 18 months. I say 18 months because this indecisiveness has been going on since the moment we found out the gender of our unborn son and began discussing the name choices. I thought we were on the ball. Ok, so maybe we were having issues agreeing on a name, but surely we would agree by the time he was ready to be born right?! Wrong. We passed names back and forth. My partner hated the unique and unusual names I liked. I despised the traditional and classic names he suggested. Finally at the birth I swallowed my unsure feelings and we named him Angus Griffith Asher. A name we both settled on but didn't love. However, as is typical, unsure feelings have a tendency to bubble back up.

When he was three months old we wanted to rename him Finnegan. My partner and I had each discovered the name from a character on a popular Canadian tv show called Mr. Dressup. We had not only had seriously considered it during our pregnancy, but it was really the only name that we had agreed on and both loved. When we looked at him we recognized it as *his* name, he was Finnegan. However a promise made to a (now) ex-friend about not using that name (should she ever decide to have kids) kept us from it. Had that promise never been, he would have definitely been Finnegan from the beginning with never a name change to come upon him.

Because we *couldn't* use Finnegan we then went through a few more names and even actively changed his name to the ones we liked (not legally, but instead by announcing it to others and calling him by it). None of the names we tried seemed to fit just right. I started to think that maybe it wasn't just about names that we liked, but more about whether I was bonding with this baby as I should be. I started to look at names that had a connection to my history and culture. My other kids had Hebrew names; therefore I decided that must be the problem. If the others had Hebrew names (technically Jasper is only Hebrew when pronounced 'Yashphey') then by all means so too should this child in order to be properly connected to this family. Well, I realize now that at the time nothing would have worked. His name was Finnegan in my heart and nothing but that would suffice. I was having trouble bonding to this child, that's true (he was our happy accident baby), but I believe in part due to the fact that my promise to my friend kept me from giving him the name I so strongly felt he should have. A name that we loved so much that we suggested it to our other friends for their baby just to see it used (they decided on another name). A name that not only fit him, but that created a stronger bond between my partner and I. We both loved this name, a big feat for us with our vastly different tastes in names.

By the time he was 7 months old I thought I had finally found him a proper name (the name Finnegan notwithstanding). We decided to change his name to Levi. It was a name we had previously considered and one that I really liked. My partner didn't love it, and I didn't love the sound of the name on my tongue when I heard myself saying it (I kept playing with how I would pronounce it, Lee-vy or Leh-vee). However it did fit most of my terms for a name. It had a beautiful meaning "united" and was from the Hebrew origin (a way for me to honour my history and culture). And for a brief time, about 3 months, it worked. My partner grew to like it and we started to see him as a 'Levi'. Two of my children were still stuck on Angus, but my 7 year old had made the switch seamlessly. It might not have sounded right at first (we were pretty used to the name Angus at that point since we had gone back to using it as a default name) and it might have sounded wrong out of the mouths of others; still, we liked the name. Levi was his name. It had to be because I was feeling an enormous amount of pressure from myself to commit to a name already! The humiliation I was feeling at not conforming by not fitting in with the 'norm' of naming my baby 'right' the first time was getting to me. I was being mocked and questioned. And, although I am a sensitive type, I was actually more concerned for my partner and children. They were visibly irritated and embarrassed. So I decided I just had to commit to this name. Still I couldn't shake the feeling that I was cheating him and myself and my partner out of the name we had always thought was right for him. A name that, in those long 10 months, had never even been brought up with our other friends and family as an option because of the promise we had made.

Now at 10 and a half months old, he is certainly not without *a* name, but instead with many, many names. All the names that were considered along the way have stuck in one way or another. And he's been "officially" renamed 4 times. All but Finnegan, the name we wanted but didn't use. It's evident to my partner and I now that the reason we never actually sent through the forms for the legal name change (that is ridiculously easy in the province of Ontario) is because we really weren't ever truly committed to those other names, try as we might. Of course with the promise of not using the name 'Finn' now null and void since the (unrelated) very final disintegration of my friendship to my then best friend we are finally free to choose the name we have always wanted for our son.

So, holding our breaths and diving into the raging waters of stigma (we've been wading in it up to our hips for a while now) we reintroduce you for the 5th and legally binding time to Finnegan Levi Angus Griffith.

Toys for everyone!

As the mother of four children spanning from 10 and 1/2 months to 14 years old, I am often struck with the frustrating chore of saying "that is not allowed in this area because 'blank' (usually baby or 3 year old) is too young and could choke on it/hurt themselves/ break it."

Luckily I have discovered that there are in fact some "toys/objects" that can be safely kept on the main level of our house without worry. Let me dissapoint all you seven year olds out there right now and say that this does NOT include Gogo's or playmobile. Sorry.

For the 14 year old: you may safely leave your jackets and sweaters all over the floor. I highly suggest you don't, but if you do I will allow the small ones to play dress up and/or destroy at will. If you leave money I will confiscate it, and I will also buy myself a present. Moving on...

Schleich animals. As long as they are the bigger ones (more commonly known in my house as the mama's and papa's as opposed to the 'babies') then they are safe. They are indestructible (baby can play too - yes? Yes.) and ridiculously fun to play with. They truly let the child's mind create and wander and yes, imagine!

Next is Ikea's children's pots and pans play set. Not terribly fun on the ears when the baby has a hold of them, but entertaining for all none the less. And of course - indestructible.

Staying on the Ikea kick here I'll also give a shout out to their cool sand toys. Not so much a household toy (unless you want it to be) but a great carry around toy for the yard or park that satisfies all. Weeeeellll, maybe not *all*. But the 14 year old isn't likely to be at the park with me anyways. These toys are colourful and made of good thick strong plastic that lasts. They are also made into really cool shapes. A brick maker set so your child can finally build you that castle he/she has been promising you. A cake making set that doubles nicely as very short cake shaped castles for the bucketless. Yes, I said 'bucketless'.

Super heroes not included (as seen in above image).

And an ice cream set to keep them coming at you for hours with "what flavour would you like?". It's a pretty easy game, but be on the look out for irritable behaviour from *yourself*, especially if you are having a conversation with another adult while they play it with you (and you will be).

Game instructions:
Child asks - what flavour would you like? Parent tells them a flavour. Child makes pretend ice cream and gives it to parent. Parent pretends to eat ice cream convincingly while saying things like 'yum yum'. Parents pretend to finish ice cream by dumping sand out and giving empty cone back to child. Repeat as necessary.

Another great one, and really should be top of my list since I'm pretty much the city building genius/champion (just saying) is the set of wooden blocks.

These puppies are amazing. Chalked full of game play for young and old - though do be wary of the potential use as weapons with sibling rivalry at foot.

And finally, there ain't nothing like the classic cardboard box. This last one can easily be found (not purchased) just about anywhere. I'm partial to the liquor store ones as they happen to be stronger, but again, it's all about personal choice here folks.

Sequel to "Go The Fuck To Sleep"

We woke up this morning with Sun shinning in
You smiled that sweet toothy wonderful grin
I picked you up in my arms to give you a hug
You fucking bit me! You mean little thug!

I fed you your breakfast of berries and O's
I wiped up the mess from your top to your toes
When you were finished I took you out of your chair
And then you fucking threw up in my newly washed hair.

I held you ever so gently my sweet little child
As I sang you a song you cuddled and smiled.
You light up the room with your joy and your charms
But stop fucking pinching the back of my arms!

You are wonderful and loved from here to the stars
But you're mean and you hurt me, I'm covered in scars!
Stop fucking puking on the new clothes I'm in
And for fuck sakes stop biting and pinching my skin!

It been a long time Blog, did you miss me

Much has happened in the interim of the last 3 years...

We bought a HOUSE! Actually we bought *the* house I grew up in! We are finally "grown up's" (albeit we did already have 3 children by this point). It was an exciting endeavor to say the least, and one with added bonuses of FREAKING THE FUCK OUT because now we have a mortgage - but you know, we love it.

We have also welcomed our little "accident" baby, or perhaps the better term is "oops!", Angus Griffith aka Gus, aka Griff, aka Angy Griffith, aka Angus McGriff, aka Griffy Poo, aka Griff Griff Magoo, aka Charlie (I shit you not), aka Changus, aka Gruss, aka Levi - well you get the point, he has a lot of names. We expect him to be perpetually confused for the rest of his life and have identity issues. We are ok with that.

Life in a word has become 'turbulent'.

Seriously.

I am struggling to be funny or interesting in this update, but that may have to wait for when humour actually exist in my life as a subject I can relate to and not (instead) a subject I am the star in.



Life goals as of now:

Don't have any more children.

Pay off bills

Get more sleep.