Life after reason: Alter Ego Boy

Life after reason: Alter Ego Boy: From the other room I can hear the radio turn on. A young Michael Jackson blasts ABC. "Having a party, Cyclops?" I call out. "Yeah! Wit Wolv...

Life after reason: Why I don't do "no presents" at a birthday party

Life after reason: Why I don't do "no presents" at a birthday party: I have nothing against parents or caregivers who choose to opt out of presents at birthday parties . I get that. Makes sense. Who wants ex...

Life after reason: The truth about 4 year olds

Life after reason: The truth about 4 year olds: Like kittens into cats, puppies into dogs - babies will eventually turn into the dreaded 4 year old. If you do not have children yet, or ...

Tips to a great house/birthday party for kids

1. Only invite as many kids as your kid is old. We often allow for one extra, especially if the numbers are low. This is not an easy thing to do, there is always the guilt "but won't those other kids be sad?" or "will that parent now hate me?". Get over this unless you have the dough to rent out a party place or you have the weather to park it. If it's a house party tell your kid how many kids they are allowed to invite and let them make the list. They can always use the excuse "my parents made me do it" (which is true, you did).

2. Make it simple. Simple food, simple games, simple theme. We did a "superhero" theme because anybody can dress up as any old superhero they want or they make up. We also have loads of dress up and can supply people with capes or costumes should they desire. Added to that party was a 'top your own pizza' and 'decorate your own cupcake'. Even this - if prepared correctly previously - can not only be super simple the day off but also steps in as an added activity or two.

3. Keep it to one floor. Ensure this by having an activities plan and keeping those tiny, yet incredibly loud and fast, people busy. Very busy. If they can, they *will* take over your home and make it look like a bomb exploded inside it.

4. Have your child open their gifts as they receive them. This not only fills up the first few minutes of lag time while you wait for all your other guests to arrive (as it is unlikely they will all show up at once), it also allows the child to thank each guest personally for the gift. Furthermore it prevents the scenario where all the children are forced to sit in a little circle and watch, enviously, as the birthday boy/girl opens their presents in front of them. Cause that is SO much fun for those little guys.

5. Prep that sucker up! Seriously. Better to be tired from a night of prepping and decorating for the party than completely disorganized and stressed out the day of. Children will eat you alive if you show weakness - don't give them a reason. Cook anything that can be cooked ahead of time. Put any snacks in bowls to be plopped onto the table minutes before the party starts. Saving time doesn't just save stress it also gives you the time to get the activities started and keep those little guys busy and happy.

6. Have or hire a helper. We are lucky to have two older siblings available at the ready for my little guys parties. My second oldest was a charm at this last party. She helped organize games, kept kids busy, told funny stories and put on a clown show. She did such an awesome job that I would have paid her if she wasn't my kid! ;)

7. If you have a baby or toddler - get rid of them. Not forever obviously, just for the party. If you can't find a sitter or helper to take them out or entertain them on another level of the house than have a good back carrier on hand. If you have a baby or toddler you understand. If you don't then you don't have this problem. That is all that needs to be said about this.

8. Make the party ONLY two hours long. I can't stress enough: this ain't no play date! These are hyperactive, loud people, at groin level running back and forth looking for you to amuse them. If you decide to go longer than two hours I can't help you, I can just hope for you that your house and your sanity survive it.

9. And this is genius...(my partner came up with this) give each individual child their own cupcake with candle to blow out instead of just the birthday kid! Your kid won't care (adults care, kids don't) and this will prevent any 'over the shoulder blowing out of birthday candles before said birthday kid gets a chance to do it themselves' that often happens by other kids at parties (my kids ok!? Sheesh). Plus it's super fun and original.

So there you have it. Our rules for how to survive a child's birthday.

Why I don't do "no presents" at a birthday party

I have nothing against parents or caregivers who choose to opt out of presents at birthday parties. I get that. Makes sense. Who wants extra crap around the house? Especially plastic shitty toys. But even with that in mind I don't stipulate "no gifts" for our children's birthday parties. Though of course we totally respect the "no gifts" request when it's asked of us.

We just don't do it for our parties. And here's why:


1. The look of enjoyment on the gifter's face is often as great as that of the giftee.

My kids really like buying/making gifts for their friends and I appreciate what giving a gift to a friend does for them personally. It teaches them to be thoughtful of who their friend is and what their likes and dislikes are. It's an important tool in teaching your child how to see beyond themselves.

2. It teaches my children about numbers and math.

We give them a limit of how much they can spend and then let them loose. $10 can go a long way depending on what you chose to buy. Or it can buy something very small and expensive. Neither is a wrong choice, but it's interesting to watch them decide what to do. We've had many a time where my youngest daughter will look at me surprised when she realizes that she can get two nice books at a discount book store for the price of one plastic toy. A steal in her eyes (and mine).

3. It teaches them to be thankful and gracious.

Learning the art of receiving gifts graciously is something I like to have practiced with my children as often as possible. How many times has a child you know or your own kid said "oh...I don't like that" and tossed the gift aside. It's happened to us and it's happened by us and I hate it. My kids are coached before parties to receive every single gift with a smile on their face and a huge thank you,(yup, coached, graciousness is not something that comes terribly naturally to all kids). Because after all - no matter what - it's the thought that counts.

4. It teaches them not all the best gifts are bought in toy stores.

My children can opt out of buying a gift altogether and instead make something or re-gift something (give their friend one of their toys). This helps to teach them that gifts bought with money aren't always the best or right gifts and certainly aren't necessary. I learned this first hand last year when a good friend of mine had her son bring a home made gift for my son. He packed together a sweet little gift bag filled with things he loved, stickers, a note pad, some paper and a home made card. The gift he brought was welcomed with as much excitement as all the other gifts brought. But more than that, that gift bag lasted months hanging off a cupboard door knob. My son and daughter diving into it every time they did some art or some crafts. And when the bag was finally empty it was used as a carrier for stuffed animals and homemade books. It was as well loved, and equally as talked about and remembered in conversation as "gifts I got for my third birthday" as the much adored red batman toy that another good friend chose for him.

5. My kids like getting gifts!

I don't stop others from buying or making my kids gifts if they choose because it's one of the fun parts of a birthday. Frankly I like getting gifts on my birthday too. Whether it be a homemade card a bouquet of dandelions or a slow cooker (yes, I am looking at you friend). Come on, admit it, gifts are fun to get!

I'll add that we never specify what our child wants to our friends unless they request it. Personally I find this very gauche. Fine to do to with the grandparents or even the aunts and uncles, but the parents of your children's friends should never be put on the spot like that. Happened to me the other day by a dad who specified his twins (yup, you read that right: twins) would like Lego. Um, hello! Do you have any idea how expensive Lego is ya crazy dad!? Not to mention my child had no intention in getting that for the twins. Her heart was set on Moshi Pets as there had been a long standing game going on at school during recess involving Moshi Pets and Littlest Pet Shop creatures. I politely told him that my daughter gets to pick the gift and it'll be a surprise to us all what the twins end up with. He was a bit taken back, seeming surprised that I let my kid do the choosing. Which brings me to my next reason:

6. It helps them to gain independence and allows them personal control.

This is such an important thing to have in their lives. Obviously it can't be practiced at all times because they are children after all, but this allows them that bit of independence and control they so want. And it's awesome to see how proud they are of themselves and chuffed at being able to walk around at their own pace in a store and chose something out for their friend themselves.

7. It gives me insight to my children's growing personalities.

Telling you I know my kids is only half the truth. I do know them, but they are changing everyday too and once they start school they start branching out their personalities in major ways. Watching them search out a special gift for their friends helps me to learn a little bit more about my kid and see how much they pay attention to the needs and wants of others. I'm always a bit surprised at what they choose for their friends and often doubt that the gift they have chosen will be good enough or as good as something I would choose. Yes, I'm an ass. But I'm always wrong (you would think I would learn by now). They really do know their friends and given the chance are usually spot on with their gift choices. I get to see just how generous and thoughtful they are. And I never get enough of that.

In addition, our guests are never expected to get (or make) our children any gifts whatsoever, they just aren't asked specifically not to.

In our family we believe that gift giving is as important a tool to have as realizing that "not getting everything you want whenever you want it" is. And of course anything that helps teach and grow generosity within my crew, is a-ok in my books.

My son receiving a gift from one of his best friends.

So I renamed my baby a few times. So what? (update)

Jasper, Shai, Phineas and Nava.

What have I learned from all this? A lot actually.

For one, "Baby Name Remorse" or maybe we can just call it "changing a child's name" (because I'm not sure we really need to call it by anything other than what it is) isn't unheard of. At least 8% of parents admit that they regret the name they chose for various reasons. I now know too that it also isn't so odd to change a child's name after the first year of life (though certainly not recommended by experts as they claim that a child begins to recognize their name by 12 months of age and identify with it by 18 to 24 months of age). So it may not be surprising to learn that going through this whole process I have had the opportunity to hear from many other parents who have thought about or actually gone through the legal process of changing the name of their child whether that child was biological or adopted and whether the name change was inspired in the very early stages of the child's life (therefore changed before that child had time to identify with it) or whether the change was made after the first year of the child's life. Many parents have made the choice to give their child a name they thought better suited them or meant something more meaningful. Angelina Jolie renamed her adopted son Pax (who was originally Pham) when she adopted him at the age of three. And I personally met a mother at a community center I frequent who told me that she changed her daughter's name at the age of four. In fact, finding out about a name change for a child of four years old was just the tip of the "named over the age of 1 year" iceberg. I learned there are parents who will even change their child's name at the request of the child (or even wait a couple of years and let the kid name themselves). I first learned of this when some parents in a local park near my home told me their story of how their kids had decided on their own to change their names at the ripe old ages of 6 and 8 and how naturally it had all worked out for them. Though I wonder how willing those parents would have been to the changed names if the kids had picked something my older children would have likely requested like "Princess Diamond Star" or "Super Crocodile Boy" or dare I say..."Picabo Street". Moving on.

Baby renaming happens, it happens more than we think. I know this now and now so do you. But why do parents want to rename their kid(s)? Can we say without any reservations that we are "doing it for the child"? I think not. No matter how you cut it naming (renaming) a child before that child has any say in it (or cares) is absolutely a selfish act. You the parent(s) are doing the picking. You pick the name because you want it to be meaningful, or cultural or honoring a friend or family member or all of the above. Hell, some parents are just going for what they think is cool or unique.

All that said, do you wanna hear the honest to goodness truth about my renaming story? Why, for over a year, I embarrassed my family and gave my friends a good laugh by changing his name 4 times and consistently setting myself up with each name change for even more mockery and ridicule.

Here it is: It was really hard for me to name my last baby when I was subconsciously mourning not ever having another. I hadn't quite realized this, or maybe it was just that I hadn't admitted it to myself, but a visit with a good friend the other day brought this all to light. In a conversation regarding the silliness of my not being able to settle on a definite name I said in my innocent/embarrassed/making excuses type of a way "I just don't know what's wrong with me!?" *insert my uncomfortable laughter here*.

So she told me.

She said it plainly and with no judgment. I felt slightly stung by the sudden realization that if I kinda knew this, and she absolutely knew this, then most people must have known this about me as well the whole time. Still, as soon as she said it I felt better. A cloak of pretense had been lifted. For all my "reasons" and excuses for not settling on a name (and some were and still are valid and true for me) this was the bottom line. Knowing this, and admitting this (this grief of never being pregnant again and never birthing or naming another baby) was all I needed to let go of the guilt I associated with not doing what I "should have done". All of a sudden I didn't care anymore about not naming my baby a name that stuck. About what others might think of me for not settling to live with a name that we didn't love or feel had meaning. It was the clarity of what I had truly been hung up on all this time that released me from caring what others thought about it.

Now please don't confuse this with me wanting more kids, I don't. I am really truly done. Done like dinner, and I am the Hell out of Dodge. Dodge is so far back there if I sent it a postcard it wouldn't reach it, ever. I'm at the stage where I fantasize about the day all my kids will be able to buckle themselves into their car seats themselves. Themselves!! But I regress. The fact remains that I did love having babies once upon a time, and I loved the birthing process, the euphoria after the birth, the small person so completely dependent on me, the me that could be so dependent on others, the teeny tiny toes and new baby smell. And of course the naming. Working with your partner, and through your own individual lists of must have's, for that perfect name. The name that was chosen ever so carefully with our ancestors and our differing culture's in mind. A name with meaning that the child can ask about later and get a story out of. A name that identifies the person.


When faced with naming my last baby I really, REALLY, needed it to be perfect; because for the first time I was faced with the plain fact that it was absolutely the last time. I was never *ever* going to do this again, this was it. There wasn't a "yeah it's my last time (but maybe, who knows, I might change my mind)" anything about this. My partner and I were decided and we had taken the appropriate steps to ensure that we were done. But because this pregnancy was my fourth child and because it had been unplanned we really didn't have any cool/cultural/meaningful/unique names lined up. We had literally run out of names at this point! So for over a year I grieved and rejoiced at the same time about never having any more kids while I obsessed (obsessively) about the "right" name for this little guy (who of course didn't give a shit about his name, we could have called him "fourth" for all he cared). At 10 months old we decided to put the kibosh on the idiotic promise made to my (now ex) friend about never using the name "Finn" and we renamed "Angus" (Charlie/Griffith/Levi) to "Finnegan". Finn was our favorite name at a very early stage in the game (probably the fifth month of pregnancy) yet even after deciding once and for all on this name (yeah right!) I struggled with the question "but is this *the* name for my child?". For one it wasn't Hebrew. This is of huge importance to me as a way of honouring my heritage and my mother who never lived long enough to meet her grandchildren.

Still, even though "Finn" wasn't a Hebrew name it remained our favorite name. And, whether I risk mockery here or not, he IS a Finn! At 16 months old he has undoubtedly identified with that name. So here I sat with the realization of my own issues (plainly clear to me now) regarding this entire name changing business. And even more true to me at this point was that even in that realization my need to give him a Hebrew name with a special meaning that connected him to his heritage and my mother was still very real. I was even at the brink of giving Jasper a "real" Hebrew first name and using "Jasper" as his middle name because of how important this is to me at this point in my life when some thorough research and verification after verification assured me that it was in fact a Hebrew name (Yashphey) though maybe not a child's name but the name of a precious stone. With this I was able to settle my mind and conscience and leave his name the fuck alone. And I could just leave it all alone in the case of Finn. I could just settle. I could give him a Hebrew middle name, but who is ever known by their middle names unless they go by their middle names? My husband and I briefly considered changing Finn's first name to Kfir, a Hebrew name that means "Lion Cub" (hey, he IS a Leo after all *wink*) and making "Finnegan" his middle name (but going by it) however we decided the potential confusion in school was something we didn't care to deal with.
And then, as if by chance, I happened upon a children's show with the title "Phineas and Ferb".

Phineas? I'de never heard it. I thought I had looked up all the "Finn" names. But of course I didn't look up 'Ph' Finn (though I did branch out as far as "Fionn"). Could it be...Hebrew?

I googled.

Not only was it Hebrew, it meant "Oracle"! I googled some more just to be sure of it's meaning and origin. Yep, Hebrew. And as simple as that a Disney show gave me the name I needed to fulfill my full criteria (as well as that of my husbands) for a name. A name that encapsulated both the Hebrew origin and the name "Finn" (well..."Phin" actually).


Yes, ending the 'baby having' phase of my life was difficult. It implied an end of my fertility and youth. An end to a phase of my life that had taken over a huge part of my life. I think most of us can agree that leaving a chapter of your life behind can be hard even if you are ready to be done with it. Sometimes we don't deal well or perfectly with transition, sometimes we go a little nuts and change our kid's name 4 or 5 times, and that's ok. At least it is for me. And Phin doesn't give a shit anyways.

And I think Phin can at least be grateful that this much thought and effort was put into naming him. As funny and maybe even as embarrassing a story it is, at least I didn't use an app to name him.

Dear Jenna,

You may not have realized this, or maybe you did, but when I first met you I didn't know what to make of you with your broad smile and incredibly penetrating eyes. In all honesty, I was intimidated by you. However, the more we saw each other and the more our children played together, quickly I realized you were one of the kindest people I had ever met. Very early on I learned that you were caring, sympathetic, empathetic, considerate and an excellent listener. Above all I could feel from my personal interactions with you and I could see by those you were closest with that you were a valuable friend. "Intimacy", as they so perfectly put it at the memorial service this evening, is what you offered others. A sense of intimacy that was sincere and comforting.


I will never forget that when we spoke you always locked eyes with me as you lay your hand on my forearm, squeezing it softly while we talked, as if to say "we are connected, you and I". You never forgot my name or the names of my children even though you and I weren't close friends. I admired that in you, your fantastic memory and real interest in what was going on in my life. Once you massaged my feet when I was pregnant with Jasper, do you remember that? I was swollen and huge, my feet hurt terribly. I was embarrased because my feet were dirty, but you didn't care. It was important to you to help me, and because you were so kind and so gently forceful I accepted it. How could anyone say no to you? It made my day Jenna, did I thank you properly? I hope I did.

Your joie de vivre trespassed all boundaries and when you entered a room people felt it. I loved the way you loved my daughter's energetic spirit. It was so good to see someone appreciate my daughter for who she. Especially when I often struggled with the embarrassment that so many of us experience when our children are being "challenging" in public. By you being excited about my daughter's bounty of energy and her fabulous fierceness you gave me pause to react to her in times when I felt so challenged by her.

You have taught me, in your way of just being you, to appreciate children and the freedom in their spirits. Thank you Jenna, you have helped me to see that the spirit in all of us is not only worth allowing its freedom, but also worth working every day to grow and nourish.

You have helped me to see things differently. Positively.

Let me tell you, your memorial service was awe inspiring. Stories were told of you that caused both weeping and a rolling laughter of unexpected joy through the audience that filled the room. Unifying us all in the memory of you. I've never laughed at a memorial service before. It truly was a celebration of your life and who you were. People hung on to each other while remembering you. Your son was carried in on his father's shoulders, hugging Florian's head and neck, leaning into him as if to become one with him.

For the service Lucas sat in his father's arms, they caressed each other's faces. At the end of the service we all lit candles and listened to music. Lucas danced with his cousins to the song "turn your lights down low". He danced and smiled and it was lovely to see. It was magical even.

I'll tell you Jenna, It really looks like he'll be ok. Children heal so well. He has such a strong community of love to hold him up and help him grow to be the strong and confident man you always knew he would be. Florian will be ok too I think, Lucas will make sure of that. I saw it in the way he put his hand on his father's cheek, like you might have, letting him know that they are still connected and that you are still connected to them both. He will keep his father strong by embodying your spirit. They will be held together not only by each other, but by you. Not by the grief of losing you but by the joy of having known you.

We will all live our lives a little better having known you. In your death you have reminded those of us that have forgotten that life is worth living. Not just living, but living with love, understanding, connection and forgiveness. You remind us that love is not something to take for granted or to be witheld from someone or spread out thinly to those in our specific circles. Love is worth giving freely and in abundance. You understood this better than anyone.

To live like you is to be like you and to be like you is to live like you.

In my life from this day forth I hope I can learn to live more like you did Jenna. To be as Jenna-esque as possible. To look at the glass half full and to breathe in the fresh air as deeply as you did. To never take anything for granted and be forever grateful for what I have.

I thank you Jenna, for all that you have given to me. In life you offered me friendship and smiles. In death you offer me the chance to learn from how you lived. You offer me renewal.

I will always miss not having known you better. I wish I had taken you up on getting our kids together.

You are truly loved Jenna and will be greatly missed having been taken from this Earth far too soon.


Love C.