Alter Ego Boy

From the other room I can hear the radio turn on. A young Michael Jackson blasts ABC. "Having a party, Cyclops?" I call out. "Yeah! Wit Wolvahweene and Jean Gway" He yells back. The X-Men never had it so good. To be part of Jasper's imagination, his stories, is to be part of a World of make believe so amazing that even characters like the X-Men have never known adventures such as these. The Superheroes he creates or becomes don't spend all their time fighting battles or conquering Evil. They also have yoga classes, dance parties and they hug - a lot.

I knew nothing about imagination till I had my son.

The funny thing is that in actuality he is quite shy and introverted. Or at least, he was, once upon a time. As a baby he never smiled at strangers, and in fact he barely smiled at us unless in the privacy of our own home. Grandmothers made excuses for him saying "he must be tired" when after much effort and coaxing he sat there, like a stone, just staring at them. No smile. He was very quickly nicknamed "Mr. Serious". As a toddler he spent time in the corner away from the excitement and bustle of the other kids when we were at community centers or birthday parties. It wasn't really until he discovered Superheroes, namely Spiderman, that he suddenly started to become quite the animated child. He had always been amusing and comical with his telling eyes and fantastic facial expressions. But I would have to say that it all started with a theme song. Specifically it was the theme song to Spiderman that his father introduced to him at a very young age and sang to him word for word. Jasper, a very musical child, (even from birth where music could calm the newborn beast in a snap) became obsessed with the theme song and it’s catchy tune and fun lyrics. It was all it took. After that we could always tell who was emerging from his room, as the theme music would come forth, echoing in the hall, as he came down the steps to greet us.

All at once we were all thrust into Jasper's magnificent World of make-believe. When he was "Shark Boy" one of his sister's invariably became "Lava Girl", even if they hadn't agreed to it. When he was Batman, the theme music boomed through the house out of his tiny body and his father was now his trusty sidekick "Robin" and I was always "Poison Ivy". As we walked by the park the other day he called out to me "you look bootiful today!" I blushed. "Thanks!" I said. "Yur welcome Mary Jane", oh...hello Spiderman.

Imagination plays a big part, but there has been a definite switch from boy who wears whatever you dress him in to boy who chooses his clothing very carefully. So every day these days Jasper insist on wearing a Superhero shirt. And if none are available then he searches out his crocodile shirt and becomes "Crocodile Boy", or his chimpanzee shirt to become a chimpanzee for the day. Of course everyone knows that the power of imagination means that clothes don't limit who you are or what you can do. However a good shirt sure can help make you feel more like the character you have in mind. At the park this summer (while wearing his Hulk shirt) he spent 20 minutes taking huge leaps over small ditches made in the sand pit while growling. He was the Hulk. Other children tried to speak with him and get him to join their game. They asked his name, he responded loudly "HULK!” They asked his real name, again "HULK!” He couldn't be bothered to stop for long, Hulk had some smashing and jumping to do. He was off. The children looked on amused, but not quite understanding.

Confusion and giggles surrounding Jasper's games and characters are not a new occurrence since the birth of his extroverted self. Luckily he doesn't seem to mind and so on we go playing and having a grand old time. Of course there is one character that does confuse even the adults in a group. Particularly because he will introduce himself to a group of people as a character named "Curtis". He has actually convinced people his name is Curtis, I’m serious – like they think that I named him Curtis. In all fairness though this doesn't happen all that often because Curtis is more of a private character who appears sporadically. Not everyone gets to meet Curtis.

It’s too bad about that because Curtis is the best. Curtis is hand’s down my fave. And that’s saying a lot because when he takes on a character, any character, he is fabulous every time. Ah but good old Curtis, the alter ego that stands out because of how totally un-Super he is. An imaginary friend that Jasper wears as a skin.

Curtis and Jasper know each other, but like Polka Dot Door's character "Polkaroo" are never in the same room at the same time (not to go unnoticed that the show was about imagination). He walks with a sort of strut and his body leans to the left when he's standing still as if "cool guys" don't stand up straight. He makes broad movements with his hands when he speaks and has a low quick laugh that happens often in conversation, as if he doesn't quite believe what he is hearing but doesn't know what else to do or say. Curtis is kind of an awkward guy. But where Jasper refuses to help clean up his toys or might be sensitive to his sister's teasing, Curtis shrugs off any hurt feelings and is always very helpful. Curtis isn't easily hurt. An important guy, he gives Jasper the freedom to flip out when he's feeling out of sorts and the strength to be extroverted in public even when he's feeling timid. He helps Jasper get through moments of being bored or feeling picked on. Without Curtis, Jasper's placement in our family as a middle child might have worse repercussions for his sense of worth or personal courage.

The definition of "Alter Ego" is second self. Directly translated from it's Latin derivative Alter Ego means "The other I". Curtis faithfully follows this definition to a tee. In every way except name he is Jasper. No super powers or capes. Curtis is just a hip little guy with a low manly voice who is gentle and friendly to everybody and lets anybody join his game. He is always at the ready to give somebody a hand, a hug, or tell them he loves them. He never loses his cool and is the ultimate optimist. A regular hero in a way.

Probably my favorite part of Curtis is that he is not so very different from Jasper, or that Jasper is not so very different from him. Jasper and Curtis's personalities overlap so much that really Curtis is Jasper incarnate and so too is the opposite true. A pretend self that isn't so pretend after all. And thank goodness for that because it's really Jasper I'm into hanging with anyways.

No my kid is not just a little a**hole.

My child is one of the many children in North America to be diagnosed with ADHD (about 3% to 5% of children in the United States are diagnosed with ADHD).

It goes without saying that my daughter is all sorts of wonderful, but raising a child with ADHD is challenging to say the least. Perhaps made harder still by the ever present controversy out there regarding whether ADHD is in fact a "real" medical condition or not. Unfortunately ADHD easily invites doubt as it has so many different facets and sub-types. You can be either ADD (attention deficit disorder) or HD (hyperactive/impulsive disorder) or ADHD (attention deficit hyperactive disorder). Where once we thought of ADD/ADHD being defined as a disorder having to do mostly with attention deficit, we are now told in actual fact that it is "hyperfocus" that better defines the "attention deficit" subtype to the disorder. With ADD/ADHD's seemingly constant evolvement and with all these variables at play, not to mention the stigmas attached to it, it tends to reason why so many might question its validity. However, ADHD is recognized as a mental health disorder. It has been acknowledged by major health organizations, including the National Institutes of Health, the W.H.O. and every other major professional medical, psychiatric and psychological association or organization out there. And there are studies showing not only a genetic link to the parents but also reports of a recent scientific study showing it may in fact be (in some cases) stemming from, but not limited to, large and rare variants in the DNA of children affected with ADHD, also known as genenomes called CNV's.

Yet with all this information available to us, it's legitimacy is still doubted. Add to the equation that my child is a girl with ADHD, and I am faced with the even bigger challenge of convincing others around me that she has this condition, even with a diagnosis from a psychiatrist in hand.

Unfortunately ADHD is often overlooked in girls and very often misdiagnosed as a learning disability and/or immaturity issue. Statistics showing that as many as 50% to 75% of girls will not be diagnosed till the age of 12, if at all (boys are diagnosed usually by their 7th birthdays if not beforehand). Although we now know that ADHD is not a gender specific disorder, it is still easy to find misinformation that says "statistically" boys are three times more likely to have ADHD than girls. Boys are not statistically more likely to have ADHD than girls, it's that ADD/ADHD is more likely to be recognized in them and therefore diagnosed. Girls have a tendency to present the symptoms of this condition differently then boys. They are not necessarily hyperactive or disruptive, two of the most common characteristics of ADHD. Or it may be that the way they are hyperactive and disruptive is not what we typically consider ADHD to look like.

The plain fact is that in this still very much male dominated society, girls are just expected to behave. Girls with ADHD are harder to pin point because mostly they *do* "behave", at least better then what one expects of a child with ADHD to behave like. When my daughter is at school it's hard to tell that she has ADHD because they keep her busy with daily activities. The outdoor physical activity she receives three times a day allows her the opportunity to release much of her hyperactive energy at school and therefore helps to balance her reactivity and quell her disruptiveness. She is still disruptive to a certain degree (certainly more obviously on a rainy day when they haven't allowed her outdoor recess), but when asked to sit down and work, she "behaves", for lack of a better term. When they do reading circle or she is granted time on the computer to play games her focus is fine, more then fine, her focus is great. She gets straight A's in Drama, Arts and P.E. Her attention deficit is not apparent in her getting up from her seat or acting out, she doesn't do this. Instead she is hyper talkative with her neighbors and unable to concentrate on the work in front of her or finish the work at the same speed as her peers. As a result she doesn't complete work sheets and gets below average grades in literacy and mathematics. And because she doesn't present ADHD the way they assume it should be she is not considered to have ADHD. Due to her low grades and inability to articulate her needs and wants properly she is assumed, like many young girls with ADHD, to be developmentally immature and have a learning disability (as a side note, LD's are often found in conjunction with ADD/ADHD). They don't know what the mornings are like before she gets to school, the need for the exact same ritual so we don't falter and trigger a meltdown. They don't know how she falls apart when she gets home because she's exhausted from working SO hard to keep it together all day at school. They have no idea that she has trouble getting along in her peer groups. That the little girls don't really accept her because she is too in your face and active for most of them, and that even though the little boys let her play because she plays the same way as them, they don't form intimate relationships with her because they are 7 years old, and she is: a girl. They don't know that she thinks of herself as dumb.

The bottom line is that as "a girl with ADHD" she falls into a crack where in lieu of others seeing that she has this condition she is all to often under estimated, and yet concurrently over expected to act like other little girls do. Whatever that is.

Personally I do see how there might be a lot of bullshit ADHD cases (which could easily be put into an "over diagnosis" category) if people are assuming their child(ren) have ADHD without a formal diagnosis and are instead reading the easy to find online "ADHD tests" (go ahead and Google it, I dare you) and are self diagnosing their children. And I like to think that it's hard to accept ADHD as a condition in my daughter's case because she is a fantastic, spunky, imaginative, sweet and clever little sprite who is mostly well behaved (and who wants to always be well behaved anyways?).

As parents dealing with a diagnosis that in general society is hard to accept, and even less accepted in her gender, we are working with getting to know the disorder and separate her from it. Making sure that we do not define her as a child with ADHD, which is hard not to do when (shamefully) embarrassed by your child's disobedience, but instead to define our child as an individual who also happens to have ADHD. We aren't in the least concerned for her future, we know she will learn to manage her ADHD and that she will be successful in whatever she chooses. In the meantime we are learning to not be embarrassed by her misbehavior and alternately be conscious and respectful in our requests and even (dare I say it?) demands of her. Every "no you can't do that" must be followed by a "because...". We can't just shuffle her along at our pace, we need to understand she moves at her own rhythm and needs early and repetitive (but gentle) prompting to get going where we want to go. We've learned, or are learning, not to sweat the small stuff and to pick our battles well. Moving through life this way can be virtually exhausting, but it's worth it. She reaps the benifits, as do we. Her ADHD does cause her to be extremely impulsive, hyperactive, reactive and have little to no boundary awareness or control. And we are beginning to grasp that we can't always suppress or guide her hyper activeness or emotionality in the direction we want. We have three other kids; we can't do it all, not all the time. It’s likely that others might sometimes become ‘put off’ by her "obnoxiousness" (hyperactivity), her "rudeness" (unable to respond or appearing to not be listening because she's processing a thought or listening to something else) or her "over sensitivity" (reacting to not being understood or not being able to explain herself clearly). We understand that sometimes we will be put off by it, even though we know she has a disorder that makes it difficult for her to stop acting that way.

Luckily she is mostly well behaved, not only because she's expected to by society, or because we are working really hard to parent her the right way, but because she is in fact just a super cool kid. She might not have close friends at school, but she does have best friends. She might not get straight A's in every subject, but she is one of the smartest people I know. She proves this to me each and every day in the things she says and her insatiable love of learning.


And yeah, sometimes she's just a little asshole. But she's our little asshole and we love her to bits.

What's in a name?

A lot really.

It can help include us or help us stand out. It can trap us or liberate us. It defines us.

In North America it's pretty standard to name your child at birth, if not while the infant still floats happily within the womb. In fact, anything but that seems odd to many, if not most, North Americans.

I have friends that took around 8 days to name each of their children after the births. Can you imagine!? I used to think this was ludicrous. Then I was pregnant with my older son and we decided firmly on his name in pregnancy and changed it just before he was born. Still I considered myself within the 'normal limits' of name changing rights. Yes I told everybody he was 'Max', but surely because he was not yet born changing his name to 'Jasper' wasn't such a big deal. The ease in which my older son's name changed was not the case for my second son. Talk about unconventional, my partner and I have only just settled on a name for our son and he is almost 1 year old.

Apparently the need to rename your child is called "Baby-name remorse". Considerably more common then one suspects. Certainly unusual by standard practice of naming your baby, but in the larger scheme of things it is less unusual then many may think. I came upon a few stories on the internet about baby-name remorse and even a few personal stories by parents who went through with the out of the box renaming of their child. Hell, even some celebrities have been guilty of this seemingly shocking act! In fact in my own circle of friends there is a couple who renamed their 10 month old adopted child. Though typically this seems to be more acceptable in society then renaming your biological child. Whether adopted or not, there are many reasons why one might decide to change their child's name. These reasons span from just not liking the name that was originally chosen to suddenly realizing that the child does not suite the name originally chosen at all. In between you have varying degrees of reasons, the name you chose is too popular or perhaps you were having trouble bonding with the baby and couldn't commit to any name until you did bond. Whatever the reason, and there are too many to list, the fact remains that name changing isn't a new occurrence; at least 10% of parents asked would change their child's name if they didn't feel such a stigma associated with it.

And stigma there is. So cringing, I will admit that I have been the one struggling and unsettled with my baby son's name for the last 18 months. I say 18 months because this indecisiveness has been going on since the moment we found out the gender of our unborn son and began discussing the name choices. I thought we were on the ball. Ok, so maybe we were having issues agreeing on a name, but surely we would agree by the time he was ready to be born right?! Wrong. We passed names back and forth. My partner hated the unique and unusual names I liked. I despised the traditional and classic names he suggested. Finally at the birth I swallowed my unsure feelings and we named him Angus Griffith Asher. A name we both settled on but didn't love. However, as is typical, unsure feelings have a tendency to bubble back up.

When he was three months old we wanted to rename him Finnegan. My partner and I had each discovered the name from a character on a popular Canadian tv show called Mr. Dressup. We had not only had seriously considered it during our pregnancy, but it was really the only name that we had agreed on and both loved. When we looked at him we recognized it as *his* name, he was Finnegan. However a promise made to a (now) ex-friend about not using that name (should she ever decide to have kids) kept us from it. Had that promise never been, he would have definitely been Finnegan from the beginning with never a name change to come upon him.

Because we *couldn't* use Finnegan we then went through a few more names and even actively changed his name to the ones we liked (not legally, but instead by announcing it to others and calling him by it). None of the names we tried seemed to fit just right. I started to think that maybe it wasn't just about names that we liked, but more about whether I was bonding with this baby as I should be. I started to look at names that had a connection to my history and culture. My other kids had Hebrew names; therefore I decided that must be the problem. If the others had Hebrew names (technically Jasper is only Hebrew when pronounced 'Yashphey') then by all means so too should this child in order to be properly connected to this family. Well, I realize now that at the time nothing would have worked. His name was Finnegan in my heart and nothing but that would suffice. I was having trouble bonding to this child, that's true (he was our happy accident baby), but I believe in part due to the fact that my promise to my friend kept me from giving him the name I so strongly felt he should have. A name that we loved so much that we suggested it to our other friends for their baby just to see it used (they decided on another name). A name that not only fit him, but that created a stronger bond between my partner and I. We both loved this name, a big feat for us with our vastly different tastes in names.

By the time he was 7 months old I thought I had finally found him a proper name (the name Finnegan notwithstanding). We decided to change his name to Levi. It was a name we had previously considered and one that I really liked. My partner didn't love it, and I didn't love the sound of the name on my tongue when I heard myself saying it (I kept playing with how I would pronounce it, Lee-vy or Leh-vee). However it did fit most of my terms for a name. It had a beautiful meaning "united" and was from the Hebrew origin (a way for me to honour my history and culture). And for a brief time, about 3 months, it worked. My partner grew to like it and we started to see him as a 'Levi'. Two of my children were still stuck on Angus, but my 7 year old had made the switch seamlessly. It might not have sounded right at first (we were pretty used to the name Angus at that point since we had gone back to using it as a default name) and it might have sounded wrong out of the mouths of others; still, we liked the name. Levi was his name. It had to be because I was feeling an enormous amount of pressure from myself to commit to a name already! The humiliation I was feeling at not conforming by not fitting in with the 'norm' of naming my baby 'right' the first time was getting to me. I was being mocked and questioned. And, although I am a sensitive type, I was actually more concerned for my partner and children. They were visibly irritated and embarrassed. So I decided I just had to commit to this name. Still I couldn't shake the feeling that I was cheating him and myself and my partner out of the name we had always thought was right for him. A name that, in those long 10 months, had never even been brought up with our other friends and family as an option because of the promise we had made.

Now at 10 and a half months old, he is certainly not without *a* name, but instead with many, many names. All the names that were considered along the way have stuck in one way or another. And he's been "officially" renamed 4 times. All but Finnegan, the name we wanted but didn't use. It's evident to my partner and I now that the reason we never actually sent through the forms for the legal name change (that is ridiculously easy in the province of Ontario) is because we really weren't ever truly committed to those other names, try as we might. Of course with the promise of not using the name 'Finn' now null and void since the (unrelated) very final disintegration of my friendship to my then best friend we are finally free to choose the name we have always wanted for our son.

So, holding our breaths and diving into the raging waters of stigma (we've been wading in it up to our hips for a while now) we reintroduce you for the 5th and legally binding time to Finnegan Levi Angus Griffith.

Toys for everyone!

As the mother of four children spanning from 10 and 1/2 months to 14 years old, I am often struck with the frustrating chore of saying "that is not allowed in this area because 'blank' (usually baby or 3 year old) is too young and could choke on it/hurt themselves/ break it."

Luckily I have discovered that there are in fact some "toys/objects" that can be safely kept on the main level of our house without worry. Let me dissapoint all you seven year olds out there right now and say that this does NOT include Gogo's or playmobile. Sorry.

For the 14 year old: you may safely leave your jackets and sweaters all over the floor. I highly suggest you don't, but if you do I will allow the small ones to play dress up and/or destroy at will. If you leave money I will confiscate it, and I will also buy myself a present. Moving on...

Schleich animals. As long as they are the bigger ones (more commonly known in my house as the mama's and papa's as opposed to the 'babies') then they are safe. They are indestructible (baby can play too - yes? Yes.) and ridiculously fun to play with. They truly let the child's mind create and wander and yes, imagine!

Next is Ikea's children's pots and pans play set. Not terribly fun on the ears when the baby has a hold of them, but entertaining for all none the less. And of course - indestructible.

Staying on the Ikea kick here I'll also give a shout out to their cool sand toys. Not so much a household toy (unless you want it to be) but a great carry around toy for the yard or park that satisfies all. Weeeeellll, maybe not *all*. But the 14 year old isn't likely to be at the park with me anyways. These toys are colourful and made of good thick strong plastic that lasts. They are also made into really cool shapes. A brick maker set so your child can finally build you that castle he/she has been promising you. A cake making set that doubles nicely as very short cake shaped castles for the bucketless. Yes, I said 'bucketless'.

Super heroes not included (as seen in above image).

And an ice cream set to keep them coming at you for hours with "what flavour would you like?". It's a pretty easy game, but be on the look out for irritable behaviour from *yourself*, especially if you are having a conversation with another adult while they play it with you (and you will be).

Game instructions:
Child asks - what flavour would you like? Parent tells them a flavour. Child makes pretend ice cream and gives it to parent. Parent pretends to eat ice cream convincingly while saying things like 'yum yum'. Parents pretend to finish ice cream by dumping sand out and giving empty cone back to child. Repeat as necessary.

Another great one, and really should be top of my list since I'm pretty much the city building genius/champion (just saying) is the set of wooden blocks.

These puppies are amazing. Chalked full of game play for young and old - though do be wary of the potential use as weapons with sibling rivalry at foot.

And finally, there ain't nothing like the classic cardboard box. This last one can easily be found (not purchased) just about anywhere. I'm partial to the liquor store ones as they happen to be stronger, but again, it's all about personal choice here folks.

Sequel to "Go The Fuck To Sleep"

We woke up this morning with Sun shinning in
You smiled that sweet toothy wonderful grin
I picked you up in my arms to give you a hug
You fucking bit me! You mean little thug!

I fed you your breakfast of berries and O's
I wiped up the mess from your top to your toes
When you were finished I took you out of your chair
And then you fucking threw up in my newly washed hair.

I held you ever so gently my sweet little child
As I sang you a song you cuddled and smiled.
You light up the room with your joy and your charms
But stop fucking pinching the back of my arms!

You are wonderful and loved from here to the stars
But you're mean and you hurt me, I'm covered in scars!
Stop fucking puking on the new clothes I'm in
And for fuck sakes stop biting and pinching my skin!

It been a long time Blog, did you miss me

Much has happened in the interim of the last 3 years...

We bought a HOUSE! Actually we bought *the* house I grew up in! We are finally "grown up's" (albeit we did already have 3 children by this point). It was an exciting endeavor to say the least, and one with added bonuses of FREAKING THE FUCK OUT because now we have a mortgage - but you know, we love it.

We have also welcomed our little "accident" baby, or perhaps the better term is "oops!", Angus Griffith aka Gus, aka Griff, aka Angy Griffith, aka Angus McGriff, aka Griffy Poo, aka Griff Griff Magoo, aka Charlie (I shit you not), aka Changus, aka Gruss, aka Levi - well you get the point, he has a lot of names. We expect him to be perpetually confused for the rest of his life and have identity issues. We are ok with that.

Life in a word has become 'turbulent'.

Seriously.

I am struggling to be funny or interesting in this update, but that may have to wait for when humour actually exist in my life as a subject I can relate to and not (instead) a subject I am the star in.



Life goals as of now:

Don't have any more children.

Pay off bills

Get more sleep.

01/20/2009

Today the World looks on as the United States of America inaugurates for the first time in history its first black President. And for the first time in a long time we see that hope is not always in vain. This day marks for humanity a moment in time where the World stood still to watch as the better man won. Barack Obama stands for more then just his race, he stands for change and gives us the sight to see not only ourselves but our neighbors for the first time in a new way. Today my children can hear the words 'be anything you set your mind to' and believe that can be true. Today is the dawn of a new day. Yes we can.